three little words

okay, not those three little words, but the other 3, the three words you’ve used your entire life, the three words that you give up when someone asks, “if you could use three words, describe yourself.”

my whole life I’ve been plagued by this exercise. THREE WORDS?!? THREE WORDS?! You want me to define myself in THREE WORDS?!?!

no way.

not going to do it, it’s simply too complex of a task.

however, i would inevitably do it, i would describe myself, and after the words would leave my mouth, i would always feel a little jilted, like the words weren’t true enough, or they weren’t exciting enough… i don’t really know what it was, but i was always left wanting more.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about those words, the three stock words i have saved in my ‘crisis, moment of truth, oh crap i’m playing an ice breaker and need material’ sort of place. and with that, i’ve been thinking about if those words really hold true to who i am, or who i want to be, today.

NICE. that was always the word i used first. i’m not really sure why? maybe it was because it went with my name – natalie, nice – or maybe because it was safe? i mean really, who is going to argue with the ‘nice’ descriptor before they know you?

i don’t think i’m very nice anymore. i spew too much venom. i’m not sure if it’s because where i am in life and what i’m doing has caused me to lose any semblance of a soul, or if i lost my internal filter, or if i’ve just lost my general give-a-shit, but i’m not a nice person anymore. (or at least i don’t feel like one.) BUT, i want to change that. This venom-spewing-world-hating person is NOT me. this is a recent development, and i can tell you, it. is. exhausting. [no wonder mean girls always have to spend so much time getting ready, this anger thing really makes you look haggard {i can attest, i look in the mirror everyday}] but then again, maybe ‘NICE’ is too soft a word. i want to be KIND. kind entails something much greater than ‘nice’ does. KIND is a state of being, KIND is a ‘flowers are beautiful, the world is precious, and people are inherently good and unique and interesting’ sort of place. and i want to be there.

SMART. it was a word i would just use because i was good at math and i loved to read and i enjoyed being at school. to me that all signified i was smart. i’m not saying i did the best on tests, and believe me, i always wanted to be one of those people that others looked at and just knew they were ‘smart’. but instead i was usually the one people looked at and said “wow, you are actually kind of smart?” like they couldn’t believe i could process actual thoughts in my brain. now instead of just being SMART, i want to be intelligent. intelligence is sexier, it encompasses so much more, it is what i am. i know more than just the things i study at school everyday, i am an informed member of my society, on more than just relevant topics, and i well versed in art and movies and travel and history and literature, and i still love to learn, i still love to read, and i will continue to do that for the rest of my life because i. am. INTELLIGENT.

okay, so now we’re down to the last word, and i’ll be honest, i don’t have one. seems silly after the last bit that i can’t even come up with a third word to describe myself. i think historically, when it came down to actually having three words i would always pick the third one on a whim, depending on how i was feeling or what the situation was. i can tell you i was never confident enough to use words like pretty or funny or cool, and i couldn’t use words like sporty, or creative because i’ve never been either of those things either. {or at least i’ve never inherently felt like i was any of those things, sure i could be pretty with the right look, or be funny in the right situation, or be creative in a certain moment, but those things weren’t part of my SELF] so i would usually just grab some adjective out of the air and lay it on my audience.

now, i don’t want to grab at a lonely adjective, i want to find a new third word, a word that IS me.

i want to be fascinating, and beautiful, and hilarious, and witty, and confident, and strong, and creative, and dimensional, and open, and loved, and daring, and…

and i do believe i’m coming to realize that i can’t be just three things, i am so much more. but, in the end, i know that i am me, and i’m pretty happy with that.

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Good Story

came across this story the other day…

One evening an old man told his Grandson a story:

He said, “There is a battle that goes on between two “wolves” inside us all.”

“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

“Which wolf wins?”

The old man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

deep.

i dig it.

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tagline…?

i think i need to change the tagline of this silly little blog i’ve got here. it says “tapping through life one med school test and BAKED good at a time…”

it is a lie.

well, only one part of it is a lie… it’s the baking part. (i started tap again yesterday!!! yay!!)[oh and i’m still definitely in medical school…the tests will never end.]

so anyway, back to the lie: I am on a Baking Hiatus. it was enacted recently after I made ANOTHER horrid cake.

really this baking strike centers around my inability to bake a decent cake, or pie for that matter (there have been some fiascos there too). See this problem began over the summer when I decided that I would UP my baking game to see what I was capable of, and unfortunately, on my first attempt out, I think I hit my high point:

see, i made this pretty rose cake (that took 3 days, but was TOTALLY worth it… i mean, look at that work of art!)

and look at the inside…

IT IS A CHECKERBOARD.

boom. i win at life.

SO anyway, that night I also made Creme Brulee, chocolate mousse in chocolate cups, and a lime blueberry tiramisu…

  it was pure epic deliciousness.

HOWEVER, after that, things just went downhill.

Next I made a lemon merengue pie that the MERiNGUE FELL OFF OF?!?!? what?! i make badass meringue, so it hurt my soul that it fell apart. then I made an apple pie, and it was pretty decent, except the CRUST was gummy… ew.

then I went back to cakes, and for a friends birthday, I made this monstrosity:

it is supposed to be the ‘berry chantilly’ cake from whole foods, and it turned out pretty okay, except the vanilla sponge cake turned into some awful dry horrid angel food cake. it was weird and gross and i think people were judging me.

THEN, i made what is, what will always be, the WORST dessert I’ve ever made in my life. i’m not even going to justify the dessert by naming it, but i will say i HAD TO MAKE THE CAKE TWICE. (you have no idea how embarassing that is to say… i’ve never had to REDO something mid-recipe)

After the latest fiasco, I decided I would go on a baking hiatus, try and step away from the HATE that I was baking, and focus on different foods, maybe try and regain my mojo! unfortunately, after awhile, I got bored and decided to make another cake…

 (please excuse the photo..)

i’ll just say this, the cake came from a box (shame) and the icing melted (disgusting). SO, i’m back on the hiatus… I don’t have any other choice, I can’t keep putting so much effort into the stuff I make and continue to get no pleasure from it. it just stresses me out… real bad.

so for now, I’ll just be “tapping through life one med school test at a time…” i think it’ll just be better this way…

Posted in cooking, life, random thoughts | 1 Comment

choices

hi. i’m baaacccccckkkkk!!! yeesh… it took long enough! i totally did NOT blog everyday this summer. sorry I suck, but I am back and devoted. my brain is too full of other crap not to write some of my thoughts down….

speaking of which, lately i’ve been thinking a lot about choices. 

the term “choice” entails so many things that make us who we are, but I feel like ‘who we are’ is an amorphous topic. I guess then, I’m specifically speaking of distinct choices we make in life that we sometimes look back on and think, “what if”?

not that I regret any choice I’ve ever made, but there are just some moments in my life that, even at 23, I can look back on and wonder if I made the right decision…

ex:should I have gone to that school?should I have said yes to him?did I really pick the right major?why did I confess my undying love that night?is medicine my dream?did I decide that at the right time?do I want to be back in OK?do I really still not want to be friends with her?etc?etc?etc?etc?

i have a long long list of things that i randomly think about [these thoughts tend to pop up at seriously random moments, like while i’m in class..?] and question if whether the decision i made was the right one? None of the scenarios I find myself thinking about are really all that dramatic, and certainly none have actually altered my life in any significant way, but I do wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen  differently…?

oh well, I can’t change any of it now, and trying to do so will only exhaust me.

SO, enough of the “what if”, i am now going to focus on the “what will be”, and in the next few days/weeks I’m going to be making a ‘vision board’ {which is something I’m still not totally sure what to do with, but I am making one nonetheless}.

 i’ll likely put it, or some version of it, on pinterest (my newest obsession), but I may also cut out magazine pictures – go really old school – and have one hanging in my room. I need something to KICK me out of the super weird funk I’ve been in, and I’m hoping a Vision Board will give me something positive and fun to focus on!!

love. and it is damn good to be back doing this.

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bad blogger

I promised that I would blog everyday this summer.

I lied.
Okay well it wasn’t exactly a lie, more like a strong statement made that I didn’t hold myself to. Oops!

but I have good material talk about, my life has been busy – in a totally good super relaxing way! (my mom is even in town visiting which I’m so happy about bc my mom is my favorite!)

Oh and today is recital day!!! I’m just a crazy tapping machine today! It is glorious.
(I’ll upload pictures and a super duper rundown soon!!)

Lots O love from (student)Dr. N, tap dancing extraordinaire!!!

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“Pottawatomie County”

bad weather can upset me worse than almost anything.

and, apparently today has the perfect conditions for severe storms (read: tornados)

I am petrified.

let’s just hope that these storms don’t do anything terrible. the situation in Joplin is bad enough, I honestly do not think the midwest can handle anymore devestation.

pray for ONLY rain.

but, on a happy note, the Gary England drinking game might be the most hilarious thing ever invented.

http://www.okstorms.com/chasing/other_weather/drinking_game.htm

Posted in family, friends, life | 1 Comment

everyday

I know that I said I was going to blog everyday this summer, and, I AM, I just needed to maybe better define the parameters of my summer!

Summer for me started today, Monday, May 23. That is because today, I finally felt like I was in summer. I realized that I don’t have any responsibilities or pressure. It is a nice feeling. and I’m really looking forward to my summer.

It seems to be shaping up quite nicely.

and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful!

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