three little words

okay, not those three little words, but the other 3, the three words you’ve used your entire life, the three words that you give up when someone asks, “if you could use three words, describe yourself.”

my whole life I’ve been plagued by this exercise. THREE WORDS?!? THREE WORDS?! You want me to define myself in THREE WORDS?!?!

no way.

not going to do it, it’s simply too complex of a task.

however, i would inevitably do it, i would describe myself, and after the words would leave my mouth, i would always feel a little jilted, like the words weren’t true enough, or they weren’t exciting enough… i don’t really know what it was, but i was always left wanting more.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about those words, the three stock words i have saved in my ‘crisis, moment of truth, oh crap i’m playing an ice breaker and need material’ sort of place. and with that, i’ve been thinking about if those words really hold true to who i am, or who i want to be, today.

NICE. that was always the word i used first. i’m not really sure why? maybe it was because it went with my name – natalie, nice – or maybe because it was safe? i mean really, who is going to argue with the ‘nice’ descriptor before they know you?

i don’t think i’m very nice anymore. i spew too much venom. i’m not sure if it’s because where i am in life and what i’m doing has caused me to lose any semblance of a soul, or if i lost my internal filter, or if i’ve just lost my general give-a-shit, but i’m not a nice person anymore. (or at least i don’t feel like one.) BUT, i want to change that. This venom-spewing-world-hating person is NOT me. this is a recent development, and i can tell you, it. is. exhausting. [no wonder mean girls always have to spend so much time getting ready, this anger thing really makes you look haggard {i can attest, i look in the mirror everyday}] but then again, maybe ‘NICE’ is too soft a word. i want to be KIND. kind entails something much greater than ‘nice’ does. KIND is a state of being, KIND is a ‘flowers are beautiful, the world is precious, and people are inherently good and unique and interesting’ sort of place. and i want to be there.

SMART. it was a word i would just use because i was good at math and i loved to read and i enjoyed being at school. to me that all signified i was smart. i’m not saying i did the best on tests, and believe me, i always wanted to be one of those people that others looked at and just knew they were ‘smart’. but instead i was usually the one people looked at and said “wow, you are actually kind of smart?” like they couldn’t believe i could process actual thoughts in my brain. now instead of just being SMART, i want to be intelligent. intelligence is sexier, it encompasses so much more, it is what i am. i know more than just the things i study at school everyday, i am an informed member of my society, on more than just relevant topics, and i well versed in art and movies and travel and history and literature, and i still love to learn, i still love to read, and i will continue to do that for the rest of my life because i. am. INTELLIGENT.

okay, so now we’re down to the last word, and i’ll be honest, i don’t have one. seems silly after the last bit that i can’t even come up with a third word to describe myself. i think historically, when it came down to actually having three words i would always pick the third one on a whim, depending on how i was feeling or what the situation was. i can tell you i was never confident enough to use words like pretty or funny or cool, and i couldn’t use words like sporty, or creative because i’ve never been either of those things either. {or at least i’ve never inherently felt like i was any of those things, sure i could be pretty with the right look, or be funny in the right situation, or be creative in a certain moment, but those things weren’t part of my SELF] so i would usually just grab some adjective out of the air and lay it on my audience.

now, i don’t want to grab at a lonely adjective, i want to find a new third word, a word that IS me.

i want to be fascinating, and beautiful, and hilarious, and witty, and confident, and strong, and creative, and dimensional, and open, and loved, and daring, and…

and i do believe i’m coming to realize that i can’t be just three things, i am so much more. but, in the end, i know that i am me, and i’m pretty happy with that.

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2 Responses to three little words

  1. eva says:

    Kind is so much better than nice! Nice is on the surface and is destroyed by the slightest bit of pressure. Kind is all the way down to the bone and only comes out more the more pressure you apply. My husband always says I am kind but not nice, mostly because I don’t have a lot of sympathy for those who are not willing to help themselves, I guess.

    Well, hope you don’t think I’m a stalker, I just like blogs! And I was extremely impressed at your baking abilities – that checkerboard cake was truly amazing.

  2. Sean says:

    Life can be an endless search for that third word. And never finding one wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. It keeps us striving for meaning and purpose.

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