delivering babies via Durant,OK

Since November 1st, I have been living in Durant, OK. today, I wanted to drive away and never come back…
For the last three months, I have been on my CORE rotations at MCSO, this little hospital in town – better known for it’s appearance on 60 minutes. I spent the first month on Internal Medicine, the second month on ICU, and this month I am on the OB service. I love OB. really, I like the GYN surgeries best, but I think maybe, just maybe, I could do OB for the rest of my life? (I’m stupidly still one of those medical students undecided on her future career.) anyway today has just been the pits….my attending’s main goal in life is to ruin my day [well, that’s the way he makes me feel] and today he succeeded. okay so its not like he is the only thing controlling the outcome of my day, but there are other things going on that are occupying my thoughts/emotions/time/give-a-shit. and for some reason all of the stuff just piled up right on top of each other right at the same time and I wanted was to go home (to my apt in Tulsa) and get in my bed and stay there for about three days. {I know, I know, running from your issues solves nothing, but I’m exhausted and I just don’t have it in me to ‘deal’ right now}

whatever, all of that is immaterial in comparison to what happened about 35 minutes after I was deep in my pity party wallow. we had a delivery. it was amazing.

here’s the story: one of the other OBGYN’s on staff is amazing and has let me deliver most of his patients’ babies this month. We had this adorable young couple in for the delivery of their second child, a baby girl. I don’t really have the whole back story, but with the first delivery, the Doctor let dad deliver baby. This Doc has been working for 35 years and is super encouraging with dads that are interested in being active participants in the delivery of their children. However, on this particular delivery, not only was I delivering the baby, I was to be instructing dad on how to deliver. “If you can teach dad how to do this, then you’re an expert” said the Doctor in his thick Spanish accent. I was more than a little terrified, to say the least… but let me tell you, it was amazing. Mom was a champ, and after about three pushes, there was the head: all dark hair and fresh potential. Dad was beside me, fully gowned and gloved, I was gowned and gloved, and standing at the head of the bed was Doctor hollering, “support his hands!!!” So Dad, with my hands under his, delivered his daughter, and it was miraculous. I’ve never felt so much joy in one single room. Dad (with my hands still under his) laid baby on Mom’s chest and they both just stared. The looks of awe and love on their faces, tears welling in Daddy’s eyes, the biggest happiest smile on Mom’s face, witnessing that moment, it was absolutely indescribable….

needless to say, OB may be my calling, just as long as every delivery is always that easy, exciting, and joyful! (one can hope, right!?)

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inane laughter

more often than not lately, I’ll be doing something particularly strange/hilarious and I will bust out into maniacal laughter relishing in my goofball ways. and for some reason, it is in those moments that I always feel the loneliest.

I always think, “goodness if someone could see me, they’d think I was a freak!” and then as I giggle over that though, I get just a little bit sad that no one actually is here.

…and then I think, “jeez, no one should see the weird stuff I do all the time,” and I continue on with my life or task and whatever it was I was doing before I decided to act a fool’

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kick in the heart

sometimes I like to emotionally mistreat myself, and while the article I’m linking to doesn’t really hurt, it makes me feel things in a way I don’t usually feel… and I love it.

the article that makes me feel.

I love this article, I love the man that wrote it, I love how much he feels and the way that he expresses it. everything about this is beautiful and heartwrenching and so many things I can’t even begin to express.

fave quote, “On the way, my oldest kid kept demanding I change the radio station to whatever station was playing “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson. I hate you, Kelly Clarkson.” it perfectly sums up his on-edge-i’m-going-to-stab-everyone-i-hate-ALL-the-things emotional state, and it’s so raw. While I’ve never experienced anything like what he went through, in that moment, with that statement, I completely and totally understand what he is feeling. and it makes my heart just react.

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apothic white

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mom: not real sweet but smooth, citrusy. hints of vanilla. good. definitely drink it again. not a dry wine by any means, so of course I love it.
me: sweet. really sweet. smells like some sort of candy. i like it, but am not in absolute love. though it is growing on me as i sip.

according to the bottle, apothic white is a mix of chardonnay, riesling, and moscato.
….TaRynn would love this.

Posted in family, random thoughts | 1 Comment

sigh

“i love you much(most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky.”

— e.e. cummings (knew what he was doing, amirite?)

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nsfw, or why the differences between men and women are so attractive.

i’m a pretty regular follower of all things twitter; in fact, i actually like my twitter more than my facebook+all other social media combined. one of the people who i follow, a lady whom is like me, in that she is similarly minded in her pro-women, pro-freedom type of thinking posted a link to her tumblr, which had a link to this photo:

take a moment. look again. [granted, when you first encounter the photo, you pretty much just see ass.] but if you take a moment and really really look at it, you see that there is so so much more going on.

this photo definitely has a hint of sexuality to it, and you could even argue that the sexual nature of the photo is its main intent. however, that’s not what i get from it. if you look past the naked bootie, and look at the man in the photo, while he is shirtless, he’s wearing pants. and he’s not grabbing her ass in a proprietary dominant sort of way – don’t get me wrong, he is definitely groping her – but the way he does it, its like he’s in awe of her body, and that, his awe, is why i find this photo so enthralling.

maybe there is a hint of envy in me –  i mean, i sure wish someone was grabbing me like that – but also there is a sense of awareness i get from the photo. in looking at the details of the photo, seeing the male arm with its hair and sinew and just everything that is manly, it makes me really get why i am so attracted to men. they’re just so different from me, from everything that i, as a strong independent female who knows and appreciates her body, am familiar with. and i’m fucking obsessed with it. i love how strong and excited he looks in this photo, holding onto her body, almost like he is thankful he gets to touch something so perfect (which he should be).

this photo, whether you find it grotesque, trashy, erotic, or beautiful, is everything that is perfect and right between the differences in men and women. and i’m damn thankful for it.

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saucy (salsa)

hellllllllllllllllllllllllllo!

I’m back and I’m taking a page from this girl and am going to start adding random recipes/kitchen happenings to my bloggittyblog.

anyway, I found this recipe on pinterest (the best thing to EVER happen to the world) and have been itching to make it! SO, during a study break this afternoon, I finally made it!

here is my variation of the cast of characters:

(as you can tell, I decided to take pictures AFTER, so some of the stuff has already been used. oops!)

Since I HATE HATE HATE anything spicy, I decided to use MILD rotel, and NO jalapeno, UNlike the recipe stated (though the photo would prove otherwise on the jalapeno issue, I’ll explain that in a minute). Also, I didn’t want to buy fresh cilantro, so I used dried, and I think it tastes just the same! Plus, I didn’t have to worry about it spoiling! Oh, and the minced-for-me Garlic – the stuff in the large green jar – is the greatest thing EVER! I always have some in my fridge/pantry, it’s invaluable!

I threw everything (MINUS the jalapeno) into my lovely blender, and turned that puppy on! Voila! delicious restaurant style salsa:

I filled one jar with about half of the total amount of salsa that was in the blender, and labeled the top with MILD.

Then, I threw in a jalapeno that I’d only cut the top off of because I wanted to keep the seeds/spines to really spice up the left over salsa (oh, and because I’m terrified of getting jalapeno in my eye, so I wanted to avoid touching it)! I turned the blender back on again, and voila!

I am going to give the jar labeled SPICY to this lovely lady, so her tastebuds can burn!

anyway, ENJOY!

Posted in cooking | 2 Comments

three little words

okay, not those three little words, but the other 3, the three words you’ve used your entire life, the three words that you give up when someone asks, “if you could use three words, describe yourself.”

my whole life I’ve been plagued by this exercise. THREE WORDS?!? THREE WORDS?! You want me to define myself in THREE WORDS?!?!

no way.

not going to do it, it’s simply too complex of a task.

however, i would inevitably do it, i would describe myself, and after the words would leave my mouth, i would always feel a little jilted, like the words weren’t true enough, or they weren’t exciting enough… i don’t really know what it was, but i was always left wanting more.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about those words, the three stock words i have saved in my ‘crisis, moment of truth, oh crap i’m playing an ice breaker and need material’ sort of place. and with that, i’ve been thinking about if those words really hold true to who i am, or who i want to be, today.

NICE. that was always the word i used first. i’m not really sure why? maybe it was because it went with my name – natalie, nice – or maybe because it was safe? i mean really, who is going to argue with the ‘nice’ descriptor before they know you?

i don’t think i’m very nice anymore. i spew too much venom. i’m not sure if it’s because where i am in life and what i’m doing has caused me to lose any semblance of a soul, or if i lost my internal filter, or if i’ve just lost my general give-a-shit, but i’m not a nice person anymore. (or at least i don’t feel like one.) BUT, i want to change that. This venom-spewing-world-hating person is NOT me. this is a recent development, and i can tell you, it. is. exhausting. [no wonder mean girls always have to spend so much time getting ready, this anger thing really makes you look haggard {i can attest, i look in the mirror everyday}] but then again, maybe ‘NICE’ is too soft a word. i want to be KIND. kind entails something much greater than ‘nice’ does. KIND is a state of being, KIND is a ‘flowers are beautiful, the world is precious, and people are inherently good and unique and interesting’ sort of place. and i want to be there.

SMART. it was a word i would just use because i was good at math and i loved to read and i enjoyed being at school. to me that all signified i was smart. i’m not saying i did the best on tests, and believe me, i always wanted to be one of those people that others looked at and just knew they were ‘smart’. but instead i was usually the one people looked at and said “wow, you are actually kind of smart?” like they couldn’t believe i could process actual thoughts in my brain. now instead of just being SMART, i want to be intelligent. intelligence is sexier, it encompasses so much more, it is what i am. i know more than just the things i study at school everyday, i am an informed member of my society, on more than just relevant topics, and i well versed in art and movies and travel and history and literature, and i still love to learn, i still love to read, and i will continue to do that for the rest of my life because i. am. INTELLIGENT.

okay, so now we’re down to the last word, and i’ll be honest, i don’t have one. seems silly after the last bit that i can’t even come up with a third word to describe myself. i think historically, when it came down to actually having three words i would always pick the third one on a whim, depending on how i was feeling or what the situation was. i can tell you i was never confident enough to use words like pretty or funny or cool, and i couldn’t use words like sporty, or creative because i’ve never been either of those things either. {or at least i’ve never inherently felt like i was any of those things, sure i could be pretty with the right look, or be funny in the right situation, or be creative in a certain moment, but those things weren’t part of my SELF] so i would usually just grab some adjective out of the air and lay it on my audience.

now, i don’t want to grab at a lonely adjective, i want to find a new third word, a word that IS me.

i want to be fascinating, and beautiful, and hilarious, and witty, and confident, and strong, and creative, and dimensional, and open, and loved, and daring, and…

and i do believe i’m coming to realize that i can’t be just three things, i am so much more. but, in the end, i know that i am me, and i’m pretty happy with that.

Posted in life | 2 Comments

Good Story

came across this story the other day…

One evening an old man told his Grandson a story:

He said, “There is a battle that goes on between two “wolves” inside us all.”

“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

“Which wolf wins?”

The old man simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

deep.

i dig it.

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tagline…?

i think i need to change the tagline of this silly little blog i’ve got here. it says “tapping through life one med school test and BAKED good at a time…”

it is a lie.

well, only one part of it is a lie… it’s the baking part. (i started tap again yesterday!!! yay!!)[oh and i’m still definitely in medical school…the tests will never end.]

so anyway, back to the lie: I am on a Baking Hiatus. it was enacted recently after I made ANOTHER horrid cake.

really this baking strike centers around my inability to bake a decent cake, or pie for that matter (there have been some fiascos there too). See this problem began over the summer when I decided that I would UP my baking game to see what I was capable of, and unfortunately, on my first attempt out, I think I hit my high point:

see, i made this pretty rose cake (that took 3 days, but was TOTALLY worth it… i mean, look at that work of art!)

and look at the inside…

IT IS A CHECKERBOARD.

boom. i win at life.

SO anyway, that night I also made Creme Brulee, chocolate mousse in chocolate cups, and a lime blueberry tiramisu…

  it was pure epic deliciousness.

HOWEVER, after that, things just went downhill.

Next I made a lemon merengue pie that the MERiNGUE FELL OFF OF?!?!? what?! i make badass meringue, so it hurt my soul that it fell apart. then I made an apple pie, and it was pretty decent, except the CRUST was gummy… ew.

then I went back to cakes, and for a friends birthday, I made this monstrosity:

it is supposed to be the ‘berry chantilly’ cake from whole foods, and it turned out pretty okay, except the vanilla sponge cake turned into some awful dry horrid angel food cake. it was weird and gross and i think people were judging me.

THEN, i made what is, what will always be, the WORST dessert I’ve ever made in my life. i’m not even going to justify the dessert by naming it, but i will say i HAD TO MAKE THE CAKE TWICE. (you have no idea how embarassing that is to say… i’ve never had to REDO something mid-recipe)

After the latest fiasco, I decided I would go on a baking hiatus, try and step away from the HATE that I was baking, and focus on different foods, maybe try and regain my mojo! unfortunately, after awhile, I got bored and decided to make another cake…

 (please excuse the photo..)

i’ll just say this, the cake came from a box (shame) and the icing melted (disgusting). SO, i’m back on the hiatus… I don’t have any other choice, I can’t keep putting so much effort into the stuff I make and continue to get no pleasure from it. it just stresses me out… real bad.

so for now, I’ll just be “tapping through life one med school test at a time…” i think it’ll just be better this way…

Posted in cooking, life, random thoughts | 1 Comment